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Way too many dusted RZR engines thanks to K&N for me to trust this, but good for a laugh...
 

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AN ELDERLY, ITALIAN, CATHOLIC GENTLEMAN TELLS THE TRUTH.

An elderly Italian gentleman who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,
went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open
the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her
from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have
no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favors.
This happened several times a week and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weaknesses of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
I do have one more question."

"And what is that ? " asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over...?''
 

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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
 

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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
thats a new take i haven't hear before. reminds me of the andy griffith skit. if you haven't heard it......

 

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Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes. Seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret, at age 83 looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again, he asked Margaret a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue," she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replies, "Maybe you should'a bought a new hat."
 

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There I was, sitting by myself at the bar staring at my untouched drink. Suddenly, a 6' 8" tattooed biker steps up next to me and grabs my drink. He then grins at me and gulps down my drink in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"This is the worst day of my life," I say to him. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you, you overgrown horse's ass, show up and drink the whole thing!”

“But enough about me. How's your day going?”
 

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ALL PUNS INTENDED


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent..

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12.. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied , "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan' Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
 
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