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A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a local church that was known for its rather “uppity” social reputation.

Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help.

The man told them, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”

The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and me might get a different answer.

The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door.

“Well, did you get a different answer?” they asked him.

“Yes, I did,” said the man. “I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, and the Lord said, ‘I am sorry, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either.”
 

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A 60-year-old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment, one of them asks him how he managed to land such a hot 23-year-old beauty.

"Simple," grins the millionaire, "I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well," he replied, "I said I was 87!
 

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A woman went to the doctor's office with chronic hiccups. She was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the hallway screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. He then marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
 

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following;

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
 

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A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300."

"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
 

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Yesterday I was at Costco, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

Well, I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
:)
 

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How many of you guys would pay for this?
View attachment 458929
this is great!^^^

sub'd

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks. "William," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
"Arnold," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! "
"But David," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"
 

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Well, I'm in the emergency room!
It's definitely not a good way to begin 2018.
I went to ride a horse, something I haven't done before. Turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse and started slowly, but then we went a little faster and before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. I had no idea that horses could go so fast!

I lost my balance and fell. My foot was stuck in the stirrup with the horse still running.
No matter how much I screamed, it wouldn't stop!
Thank goodness, the Wal-Mart Manager came out and unplugged the machine.
He took the rest of my coins so I couldn't ride the elephant either.
 

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I had a terrible tooth ache today and went to see my dentist. He was out of the office so I had to see his new partner. She said she was going to give me a shot for the pain. I told her I don't do shots of any kind. She said she would just put some medication on to make it a little numb. I again told her no,I didnt want that either. So she said ok I will just give you this pill then. I agreed to take the pill and she said she would be back in a few minutes. When she returned I told her the pill didnt work and my tooth still ached. I asked her what the pill was and she said Viagra. I said why the heck did you give me a Viagra. She said....you will need something to hang on to.
 

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MALE LOGIC..

THIS A CONVERSATION BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS WIFE,
PLEASE NOTE THAT SHE ASKS FIVE OR SIX QUESTIONS WHICH HE ANSWERED QUITE SIMPLY

WOMAN: DO YOU DRINK BEER?
MAN: YES

WOMAN: HOW MANY BEERS A DAY?

MAN: USUALLY ABOUT THREE

WOMAN: HOW MUCH DO YOU PAY PER BEER?

MAN: $5.00 WHICH INCLUDES A TIP

WOMAN: AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?

MAN: ABOUT 20 YEARS, I SUPPOSE

WOMAN: SO A BEER COSTS $5 AND YOU HAVE THREE BEERS A DAY WHICH PUTS YOU'RE SPENDING EACH MONTH AT $450. IN ONE YEAR, IT WOULD BE APPROXIMATELY $5400 CORRECT?

MAN: CORRECT

WOMAN: IF IN 1 YEAR YOU SPEND $5400, NOT ACCOUNTING FOR INFLATION, THE PAST 20 YEARS PUTS YOUR SPENDING AT $108,000 CORRECT?
MAN: CORRECT

WOMAN: DO YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DIDN'T DRINK SO MUCH BEER, THAT MONEY COULD HAVE BEEN PUT IN A STEP-UP INTEREST SAVINGS ACCOUNT AND AFTER ACCOUNTING FOR COMPOUND INTEREST FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS, YOU COULD HAVE NOW BOUGHT AN AIRPLANE?

MAN: DO YOU DRINK BEER?

WOMAN: NO.

MAN: SO, WHERE IS YOUR AIRPLANE?
 

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Stole this from UTV UTAH.

CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?! WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR INAPPROPRIATE FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT CAUSE ITS SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.

Sent from my SAMSUNG Note 5 using Tapatalk
 

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As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.
 

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A little boy was sitting outside a store eating one snickers candy bar after another, when an older man walked up and said, "You shouldn't be eating so much candy, it'll rot your teeth, it's just bad for you to eat so much candy."

The little boy looked up and said, "My grandfather lived to be 95 years old".

The older man asked: "Oh? by eating snickers candy bars?"

The little boy said: "No, by minding his own business."
 

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One night a lady with a black eye stumbled into a police station. She told the desk sergeant that she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the face and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a few minutes later, also with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same attacker?" his captain asked.

"No, sir," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
 

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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years
 

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A completely naked dude walks into a bar and from the door orders two shots of vodka. The female bartender looks at him intently, scanning his body up and down.

Finally the dude says, "Hey lady, what are you looking at? Haven't seen a naked man before?"

The bartender replies, "Well yes, I have. I am just trying to figure out where you're keeping the cash for the drinks you just ordered."
 

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After trying a new shampoo for the first time, this woman fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer. Her husband laughed at her and said the letter will end up in a trash bin of some low level secretary.

Several weeks later she came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

“Well, what do say to that?” the wife asked smiling.

"Next time, you should write a letter to General Motors," came a reply.
 

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Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me AGAIN, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.


Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellows.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 75 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said, "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went dead.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
 
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